Making life better for children of divorce

I became a lawyer during 1979. Since the early 1980’s, my practice has been dedicated to family law. I became increasingly troubled by the way divorces were handled, particularly in the cases involving children. Over the years, courts and mental health professionals became increasingly aware of the damage children suffer when parents are enmeshed in angry fights over their custody and care.

Placing already conflicted families in an adversary process is the worst possible solution. Not only did it exacerbate the emotional turmoil, it also left many families in greater financial distress as they struggled to pay enormous attorney and expert witness fees while the legal wrangling dragged on for months and even years. Children lived in a constant state of conflict, and were often placed in the middle of their parents’ disputes. They were poorly equipped to process the separation of their parents and a dramatically changed lifestyle as parents attempted to pay for two households and attorneys with an income that previously supported only one home.

Enlightened minds searched for a better way. Mandatory education programs for parents and children, mediation, better early neutral evaluations, better case management, parenting consultants, visitation experts and other creative options emerged. Good family law attorneys looked for ways of achieving an amicable resolution. Court calendars improved as more cases were resolved through innovative programs designed to increase parental awareness regarding the impact of the divorce on the children and the need to remove children from the conflict.

As time has passed, I found that most parents truly want what is best for their children. I also learned that parents who are emotionally wounded, often lose sight of what is important because of their own pain. I am convinced that few parents would act as they did during a divorce if they truly understood how much it harmed their children. The problem is that parents often cannot see through their own pain or their denial. While they want their children to be alright, they become lost in their own emotions. I would often say to my clients, “If you are feeling hurt, if this is hard for you, imagine trying to process this as a 10 year old or 12 year old (as the case may be). Sometimes that helped, especially if the parent was so focused on his or her own pain that the parent had forgotten to focus on the children. This was particularly true if the children were trying to be perfect. Too many parents did not know that children blame themselves for the divorce. (If I had been good or if I had kept my room clean, mom and dad wouldn’t have been fighting).

After Christmas of 2000, my cousin, Paul, called me. Earlier that year, he was involved in an amicable divorce and had an agreement to co-parent his children. Unfortunately, their first Christmas was a scheduling disaster – not because they didn’t agree but because they simply misunderstood. Paul always said that the children remember the horrible events of that Christmas but not any of their presents. Unlike me, Paul was very internet savvy. He asked me to recommend an interactive scheduling tool. During 2000, I was very intimidated by computers. I thought that opening email was a huge accomplishment. I called my son, Jai, who grew up with computers. We were shocked that our comprehensive search revealed no interactive sites that could help parents.

To make a long story much shorter, the OurFamilyWizard® website was born. After all, Paul was proof that bad communication is not always purposeful. Problems can occur for loving parents who mean no harm. We created a tool for parents to communicate, share information and keep children out of the conflict that occurs when good parents are challenged in ways that test limits, and in ways they have never been trained to address. No one plans to get divorced or end a marriage. It just happens sometimes. Parents don’t have children with any expectancy that they will be raised in separate homes.

I am very proud of the OurFamilyWizard® website for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it makes life better for children.

Sincerely,

Kathleen W. Kissoon
Attorney and CEO of the OurFamilyWizard website